route 666
so, i've been feeling a little too saved lately, too much like i'm going to heaven when i die, so it's time to do something bad. or maybe a few things, depending on how tired i am. first off, it's time to complain about my roommate.
ok, first things first- i hate it when he talks in spanish. i don't know what it is, cuz i like the language, and i never feel like this when i hear other people speak spanish. just him. something about his tone, how fast he speaks, the weird sounds he makes, all of it just makes me want to go over there and smother him with his own pillow.
next- his hair annoys me to no other. it started a couple months ago when he got drunk and tried to trim his side burns, and somehow wound up getting rid of all of his hair in front of his ears. it was like he took a compass and drew a half circle from ear to ear across his forehead in which there was no hair. i guess you had to see it, but trust me, it was weird. unfortunately, he didn't stop there. a week or so before spring break, he got bored and went to the bathroom and started shaving his head. normally this would be fine, but he didn't finish the job. he got about 80% done, and stopped, leaving a perfect circle of hair just a bit above his forehead. he looked like those old monks who'd shave the tops of their heads, leaving a ring around the outside, only backwards. i could not look at him for a week without bursting into laughter. and then he did it again! last week, just as his hair had started to grow out and he was begining to look normal, he shaved it the same exact way. seriously, it's a good thing school's almost out, cuz if i had to see that much more, i'd tie him down and finish the job for him.
3 (oh trust me, i've got a lot here)- he smacks his lips when he eats. and chews with his mouth open. chew, smack, chew, chew, smack, chewsmacksmack. and it's soooo loud. i hear him even with my headphones on.
4- massive amounts of perfume. or cologne or whatever. seriously, he has three different things just for his shoes. everytime he gets ready to go out, there's a visible cloud of stink following him.
5- four letters: ESPN. he's obsessed. i don't think i've seen him watch any other channel. well, maybe ESPN2 every once in a while. i mean, i think i'm as interested in sports as the next guy, more so than many americans, but he takes it too far. and the funny thing is, he doesn't actually know that much about it. as much as he watches, i'm more of an expert than him in anything football, and i can hold my own with baseball (which i hate, by the way).
5a- addendum to above, cuz this also deals with sports. he has the most random teams that he likes. i guess he has a bit of an excuse, since he's from ecuador and didn't grow up watching any particular set of teams. but it does seem like he just latches on to whichever the best team in the sport he's watching is. red sox last fall; lakers for the beginning of the season, switching quickly over to the heat; patriots and jaguars (until the last missed the playoffs) in football. the only thing i'll give him credit for is soccer, he truly is a fan of the ecuador national team.
6- did i mention the hair thing?
7- he pukes in the room. i'm not opposed to the occasional hurl, a good vomit session can do wonders for you after a particularly hard night. but at least have the decency to do it in the bathroom. or, since we are at the extreme end of the hallway, if you can't make it that far, get yourself a trashcan, or bag, or something. and actually use. don't just set it on the floor and stand over it, allowing the vomit to pour down the 5 feet or so to the floor (that's another thing i don't like about him, he's short. just kidding. not really, i'm serious. no, i'm joking. serious. joking. serious. joking. what were talking about?). sorry for the crude language, but i'm trying to get across here just how disgusting it is to wake up and see your roommate puking on your stuff. he almost died that night. three inches to the right, and i'd have a new roommate. named bubba. in jail.
8- he likes old stuff. i dunno if it's cuz he's from another country or what, but he consistently seems to be a few years behind the rest of society. for example, he loves shows from the early nineties, like married with children. i'm not saying they're not funny, but when he thinks it's clever that he went as barney for halloween last year, something's wrong. that may have been funny a couple years ago, when people actually knew what barney was. but seriously, that fad died a quiet death, along with pokemon and surge (remember that stuff? i loved surge).
9- he watches tv all the fucking time. when he wakes up, the first thing he does is turn it on. when he goes to sleep, the last thing he does (if he actually does) is turn it off. in between, it's always on. even when he leaves the room, the tv is on. he may be going to class, and know he won't be back for at least four hours, but still he'll leave it on. now, if i was watching it, that'd be one thing, but, i never am. normally, the tv isn't even turn so i can see it. so there's no good reason for it to be on. it's just that much more effort for me, that i have to get up and walk six feet to turn it off. and you all know how i abhor, nay destest, effort.
10- my god man, your hair!
11- none of his classes this semester are before like two or so in the afternoon. so he sleeps til noon at the very least. which means he's up until 3 or 4 every night. usually he's quiet and unobtrusive about it, but still. some of us do have to be up early. 10:30 maybe, but that's still kinda early. ok, fine, it's not. i'm just totally offbase with this one. soooorrrrryyy
erm, moving on...
12- he smokes up in the room. only once that i've actually been here for, and that i came in just as they were finishing. but i know he's done it more than that. and that's just not cool. first off, they didn't ask me. i'd at least like that much consideration. and secondly, it fucking stinks. say what you might about the positives of marijuana, fact is, if you're not actually getting high, it plains smells bad.
13- he cheats. this is a big one. i haven't been in any of his classes, but my friends are, and according to them, that's the only way he's passing. i believe it too. last night, he had a half hour conversation with his friend, telling the best way to copy off someone's test for their philosophy final. i mean, a little extra work is ok from time to time, glancing at your neighbor's paper once or twice, comparing homework answers, that sorta of thing. but when you actively try to copy someone's test, to the point of waiting til the teacher is distracted by someone handing in their test so that you can lean over real quick and memorize how someone has bubbled in their scantron, that's not acceptable.
ok, now that i read back over this, i come off as a real passive-aggressive asshole. that's not me, i swear. on the whole, jon's been a decent roommate this year, much better than i could have had (bayoji, anyone?). you just can't expect two people to spend the majority of the year in such close proximity and not have a few differences emerge. but truly, i'm not usually like this.
though his hair is horrible
ok, first things first- i hate it when he talks in spanish. i don't know what it is, cuz i like the language, and i never feel like this when i hear other people speak spanish. just him. something about his tone, how fast he speaks, the weird sounds he makes, all of it just makes me want to go over there and smother him with his own pillow.
next- his hair annoys me to no other. it started a couple months ago when he got drunk and tried to trim his side burns, and somehow wound up getting rid of all of his hair in front of his ears. it was like he took a compass and drew a half circle from ear to ear across his forehead in which there was no hair. i guess you had to see it, but trust me, it was weird. unfortunately, he didn't stop there. a week or so before spring break, he got bored and went to the bathroom and started shaving his head. normally this would be fine, but he didn't finish the job. he got about 80% done, and stopped, leaving a perfect circle of hair just a bit above his forehead. he looked like those old monks who'd shave the tops of their heads, leaving a ring around the outside, only backwards. i could not look at him for a week without bursting into laughter. and then he did it again! last week, just as his hair had started to grow out and he was begining to look normal, he shaved it the same exact way. seriously, it's a good thing school's almost out, cuz if i had to see that much more, i'd tie him down and finish the job for him.
3 (oh trust me, i've got a lot here)- he smacks his lips when he eats. and chews with his mouth open. chew, smack, chew, chew, smack, chewsmacksmack. and it's soooo loud. i hear him even with my headphones on.
4- massive amounts of perfume. or cologne or whatever. seriously, he has three different things just for his shoes. everytime he gets ready to go out, there's a visible cloud of stink following him.
5- four letters: ESPN. he's obsessed. i don't think i've seen him watch any other channel. well, maybe ESPN2 every once in a while. i mean, i think i'm as interested in sports as the next guy, more so than many americans, but he takes it too far. and the funny thing is, he doesn't actually know that much about it. as much as he watches, i'm more of an expert than him in anything football, and i can hold my own with baseball (which i hate, by the way).
5a- addendum to above, cuz this also deals with sports. he has the most random teams that he likes. i guess he has a bit of an excuse, since he's from ecuador and didn't grow up watching any particular set of teams. but it does seem like he just latches on to whichever the best team in the sport he's watching is. red sox last fall; lakers for the beginning of the season, switching quickly over to the heat; patriots and jaguars (until the last missed the playoffs) in football. the only thing i'll give him credit for is soccer, he truly is a fan of the ecuador national team.
6- did i mention the hair thing?
7- he pukes in the room. i'm not opposed to the occasional hurl, a good vomit session can do wonders for you after a particularly hard night. but at least have the decency to do it in the bathroom. or, since we are at the extreme end of the hallway, if you can't make it that far, get yourself a trashcan, or bag, or something. and actually use. don't just set it on the floor and stand over it, allowing the vomit to pour down the 5 feet or so to the floor (that's another thing i don't like about him, he's short. just kidding. not really, i'm serious. no, i'm joking. serious. joking. serious. joking. what were talking about?). sorry for the crude language, but i'm trying to get across here just how disgusting it is to wake up and see your roommate puking on your stuff. he almost died that night. three inches to the right, and i'd have a new roommate. named bubba. in jail.
8- he likes old stuff. i dunno if it's cuz he's from another country or what, but he consistently seems to be a few years behind the rest of society. for example, he loves shows from the early nineties, like married with children. i'm not saying they're not funny, but when he thinks it's clever that he went as barney for halloween last year, something's wrong. that may have been funny a couple years ago, when people actually knew what barney was. but seriously, that fad died a quiet death, along with pokemon and surge (remember that stuff? i loved surge).
9- he watches tv all the fucking time. when he wakes up, the first thing he does is turn it on. when he goes to sleep, the last thing he does (if he actually does) is turn it off. in between, it's always on. even when he leaves the room, the tv is on. he may be going to class, and know he won't be back for at least four hours, but still he'll leave it on. now, if i was watching it, that'd be one thing, but, i never am. normally, the tv isn't even turn so i can see it. so there's no good reason for it to be on. it's just that much more effort for me, that i have to get up and walk six feet to turn it off. and you all know how i abhor, nay destest, effort.
10- my god man, your hair!
11- none of his classes this semester are before like two or so in the afternoon. so he sleeps til noon at the very least. which means he's up until 3 or 4 every night. usually he's quiet and unobtrusive about it, but still. some of us do have to be up early. 10:30 maybe, but that's still kinda early. ok, fine, it's not. i'm just totally offbase with this one. soooorrrrryyy
erm, moving on...
12- he smokes up in the room. only once that i've actually been here for, and that i came in just as they were finishing. but i know he's done it more than that. and that's just not cool. first off, they didn't ask me. i'd at least like that much consideration. and secondly, it fucking stinks. say what you might about the positives of marijuana, fact is, if you're not actually getting high, it plains smells bad.
13- he cheats. this is a big one. i haven't been in any of his classes, but my friends are, and according to them, that's the only way he's passing. i believe it too. last night, he had a half hour conversation with his friend, telling the best way to copy off someone's test for their philosophy final. i mean, a little extra work is ok from time to time, glancing at your neighbor's paper once or twice, comparing homework answers, that sorta of thing. but when you actively try to copy someone's test, to the point of waiting til the teacher is distracted by someone handing in their test so that you can lean over real quick and memorize how someone has bubbled in their scantron, that's not acceptable.
ok, now that i read back over this, i come off as a real passive-aggressive asshole. that's not me, i swear. on the whole, jon's been a decent roommate this year, much better than i could have had (bayoji, anyone?). you just can't expect two people to spend the majority of the year in such close proximity and not have a few differences emerge. but truly, i'm not usually like this.
though his hair is horrible
posted by Danimal at
10:16 PM
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